Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
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