About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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