I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize