Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
