I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
