i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Dear god my vagina.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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