The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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