We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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