I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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