im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
