i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
