Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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