I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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