So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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