just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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