I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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