So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
