I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
