During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
It was like getting head from an anaconda
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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