Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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