Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
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I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
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My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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