I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
