Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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