You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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