The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
