you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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