He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
