dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
