I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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