Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
