Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
