Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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