well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
