Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
