eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
