There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
