i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
