Jerry, you need to find god
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I need to sanitize my soul.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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