The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
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Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
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