I've blown a few things in my day
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Did I show you my penis last night?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
