I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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