I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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