where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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