Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
