Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
