running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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