so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
