It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
