U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
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