Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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