I wish my penis had an off switch
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
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