Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
