so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
