there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
