i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
